Is your relationship emotionally unsafe? Experts explain the signs and what to do

By Ian Kerner, CNN

(CNN) — Walking on eggshells. Avoiding each other. Silencing yourself. If you’re engaging in those behaviors, your relationship may not be emotionally safe.

For many couples, having a difficult conversation is like navigating a minefield — and by the time they get to my office, their relationship has often endured multiple blasts. Even during initial sessions, one partner — or both — are still tiptoeing around the other, afraid of triggering a sudden explosion.

It makes sense: The nervous system is designed to respond to threats. If it becomes triggered even by a disagreement with your partner — it can go into fight-or-flight mode, making healthy communication near impossible.

But being a couples therapist is like being a minesweeper: We want to create a space that’s emotionally safe, with the goal that a couple will soon be able to defuse those mines on their own with expert precision.

Editor’s note: If you fear for your physical safety, please call the National Domestic Violence Hotline at 800-799-SAFE (7233) or 911.

What is emotional safety?

Before you can create it, you need to know what emotional safety is. I reached out to some of my valued colleagues for answers.

“Feeling emotionally safe in a relationship means having the understanding that you are accepted as you are without having to fear risking rejection by making yourself vulnerable,” said Marty Babits, a therapist who practices in New York.

“Does your partner support you in sharing your feelings, even when they may not coincide with their own? If that kind of support is nonexistent in your relationship, then you can fairly describe it as emotionally unsafe.”

Emotional safety is a feeling of ease and authenticity, said New York sex therapist Eva Dillon.

“It often arises when we feel at home — either in a place where we feel we belong, or in the presence of someone with whom we can be our authentic selves,” Dillon added. “When we feel safe, we can be vulnerable, which can lead to connection, creativity and even playfulness.”

What goes into an emotionally safe relationship?

An essential aspect of emotional safety is predictability, said Scott Duquette, a therapist who practices in New York.

“To feel secure enough in a relationship to share our authentic and complicated feelings, we need to be able to anticipate and trust that our partner will meet our big vulnerable feelings with empathy, curiosity and care,” he said. “Otherwise, to some degree, we will hide parts of ourselves, until we feel safe.”

Of course, even people in emotionally secure relationships have disagreements, but the key is that they approach problems in an open and curious way, rather than blaming each other. They act as true partners who communicate with respect, even when they’re in conflict.

“The only difference between the best and worst relationships is an ability to repair after a fight, and all repairs start by initiating a conversation,” said George Faller, a New York and Connecticut marriage and family therapist. “There are no shortcuts.”

“I tell my clients that the two most important things in a relationship are self-regulation and communication,” said sex therapist Diana Maryam Nikkhah, who practices in New York and New Jersey. “If we can’t regulate our emotions, it’s difficult to offer emotional safety.

“Nonviolent communication is also paramount,” Nikkhah said. “This means reflecting and identifying your feelings, then being thoughtful about how you express those feelings to your partner without attacking, blaming or criticizing.”

Is your relationship emotionally unsafe?

“An emotionally unsafe relationship includes having a negative expectation of interactions,” New York sex therapist Rebecca Sokoll said.

You might feel like you need to hide your thoughts and feelings or risk emotional consequences such as distance, anger or sadness from your partner, Duquette said.

As a result, a lack of emotional safety can lead to dishonesty. This lack of honesty can usher in a toxic cycle in which there are often periods of avoidance where we mask our authentic feelings and thoughts with indirect communication and then periods of higher conflict with contempt, ridicule and hostility, he noted.

But this avoidance only causes hurt, harm and resentment in the long run. “Avoiding difficult conversations doesn’t help, and those feelings or issues don’t magically disappear,” Nikkhah said. “They may get buried for a time, but they absolutely will surface at some point — and likely in an unhealthy and unproductive way.”

Feeling emotionally unsafe can show up in other ways, too, said Nanaho Sawano, a New York and New Jersey sex therapist. A lack of emotional security can trigger a stress response that decreases the desire to have sex. “And people in emotionally unsafe relationships may turn to substances to get some relief from the pain of disconnection,” Faller said.

Worried your relationship isn’t emotionally safe?

First, speak up and acknowledge the lack of safety, Faller said. “The only way towards feeling safer is naming the mistrust, which gives both partners a chance to work together to change it,” he said.

You can also build emotional safety by improving your communication and committing to creating a rich and meaningful connection. “Communication is a skill that can be learned, and the experience of feeling truly heard and understood can be a powerful, connecting experience,” Dillon said. “Ruptures are inevitable, and it is the quality of your ability to repair them that determines the quality of the relationship.”

Keep in mind, though, that it “may not be a reasonable goal for either you or your partner to be in a constant state of emotional safety,” Sokoll said. “Instead, the goal may be to achieve moments of emotional safety that gradually build to a general expectation of ‘emotionally safe enough.’”

Don’t feel like you need to go it alone, Nikkhah said.

Couples therapy is a great option because a therapist can serve as an objective professional who is not on anyone’s side but instead is invested in your shared goal of establishing emotional safety and teaching the necessary self-regulation and communication skills. If you feel that you just can’t achieve emotional safety with your partner, it can still be helpful to try individual therapy.

It can be hard work, but it’s worth it, Duquette said.

“When a relationship is emotionally safe, it feels resilient,” he said. “We can reflect on past conflicts and say, ‘Wow, we got through that, and our relationship is stronger for it.’”

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